Diagnosis Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer's medical problems are bigger than Mallory thought.


**The doctors are examining the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just a little hospital drama. Influenced a little bit by another FX show, Legion.**

 **Diagnosis Archer **

"Oh Sterling…" Mallory whimpered as she looked at her comatose son on his hospital bed.

"Archer's going to pull through Mallory," Lana said as she held Mallory's hand. "He always does."

"Theoretically he should have been dead already," A bearded doctor with a New Zealand accent walked in. "It's a medical miracle he survived. I mean he had a double whammy. Shot and drowned. Unbelievable."

"Sterling has always been very resilient," Mallory pulled away from Lana. "Doctor…?"

"Denton. Dr. Denton," Dr. Denton had a strange resemblance to Jermaine Clement. "I was your son's operating surgeon. Good news all the bullets are out and miraculously, they didn't hit any major organs."

"That's a relief. Thank you for all you've done," Mallory sighed.

"I'm afraid your son's condition is more serious than we thought," Dr. Denton said.

"Is it serious Doctor?" Mallory gasped.

"Yes, I believe I just **said that** ," Dr. Denton coughed. "As if your son's coma wasn't serious enough…There are some other complications we discovered."

"What other complications?" Mallory asked in a worried tone.

"Well upon examining your son we discovered he also had the beginnings of the first stage of a venereal disease that we've never seen before," Dr. Denton frowned. "Not really sure how to treat it. Haven't seen a strain this bad since an incident in Mexico after an infamous Bride and Burro show."

"Look under the term Archers," Mallory winced. "Damn it. **That's** back again."

"Is that that new venereal disease that some of the doctors in the STD labs are talking about?" Dr. Denton asked.

"Your patient is basically Ground Zero," Lana sighed.

"Okay that information definitely helps," Dr. Denton looked at his chart. "We also discovered that your son has extremely high cholesterol. High blood pressure. Sugar levels in the blood are off the chart. As well as his blood alcohol level. In fact his blood alcohol level was the highest I have ever seen. I had it tested three times to make sure it was correct."

"Ugh…" Lana groaned.

"I honestly didn't think a human being could survive a blood alcohol level in the triple digits," Dr. Denton said. "But Mr. Archer is living proof it is possible. Well barely alive because of the shooting and the coma. Unsurprisingly we also found some liver damage…"

"Ugh," Mallory winced.

"Water in the lungs but since he was half drowned no surprises there," Dr. Denton said. "We got it out by the way."

"Hooray," Mallory said sarcastically.

"Also some traces of drug combinations we haven't seen since Woodstock," Dr. Denton added. "Quite interesting actually."

"I'll bet," Lana groaned.

"He also had a lot of bruising on parts of his body that seem to have occurred **after** he was shot," Dr. Denton said. "And operated on."

"How did **that** happen?" Mallory asked.

FLASHBACK!

Cyril secretly snuck into Archer's room. Archer was completely into his coma. "Archer?" Cyril whispered. "Archer? You awake? Well then you can't feel **this!** "

Cyril repeatedly punched Archer's chest and stomach area. "Die! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

He was about to punch Archer in the face but stopped himself. "No! Not the face. They'd suspect something. Just not the face." He then punched Archer one more time in the stomach.

FLASHFORWARD!

"We have no idea," Dr. Denton said. "Also he may end up having some kind of infection on the inside of his body."

"How did he get an infection **inside** his body?" Lana asked.

"Uhhh…" Dr. Denton coughed.

FLASHBACK…

"Okay that's the last suture and now this patient is ready to get off the table," Dr. Denton in full scrubs announced to his operating team. "It'd be a miracle if he survives at all. Honestly, it's a miracle he survived now. Speaking of which I'd better check if my dinner reservations survived. Where's my phone?"

Just then the sound of a phone ringing. The dial tone sang out from Archer's stomach. " _Doctor Butts! Doctor Butts! High degree medical license butts!"_

"Uh oh…" Dr. Denton winced.

" _Stethoscopes on butts!"_ The dial tone sang before Dr. Denton carefully shut it off by touching Archer's stomach.

"Okay people this is on me," Dr. Denton said to his operating team. "Should not have been texting while operating. My bad. Better open him up again. Good news. Everyone gets overtime!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Probably from the bullets," Dr. Denton said with a straight face. "Those dirty, dirty bullets."

"If that gun touched Sterling's junk they probably were," Mallory groaned.

"So yes, there's **that** possibility," Dr. Denton said. "We gave him some shots so hopefully that will stave off any infection. Not counting the unbelievably strong venereal disease. Archers you called it?"

"Yes, you can probably find it under some kind of medical wiki or something," Mallory groaned.

"I will do that…" Dr. Denton paused. "Uh actually it might be just easier if I just walk down to the lab where the experts are. It's on my way out anyway. And my phone is being decontaminated so…Where were we? Oh yes. The most serious case of your son's many aliments is obviously the brain damage. Followed by the venereal disease. And the concussion. Which is separate from the brain damage that occurred with the drowning. It's separate brain damage."

"Concussion?" Mallory snapped. " **What** concussion?"

"Well apparently…" Dr. Denton sighed.

FLASHBACK!

An ambulance pulled up to the hospital and stopped violently. As it stopped the doors opened and the stretcher carrying Archer shot out of it.

CRASH!

"Ooh," A paramedic winced. "Really should have tied that down. My bad."

FLASHFORWARD!

"To be honest we're having a qualified paramedic shortage," Dr. Denton admitted.

"Is there **anything else** about my son's condition I need to know about?" Mallory groaned.

"Let me just check the list," Dr. Denton looked at his chart. "Brain damage from both drowning and concussion, venereal disease, gunshot wounds, infection, bruises, high blood pressure, high sugar levels, extremely high blood alcohol levels, liver damage, water in lungs, drugs in his system, small fracture in his right foot…"

"A fracture in his **right foot**?" Lana shouted. "How did **that** happen?"

"The incident I just described with the paramedic and the ambulance," Dr. Denton explained. "Lucky that's all that happened! Am I right?"

"That and the concussion," Lana glared at him.

"Yes well…" Dr. Denton coughed. "Honestly I'm amazed with everything this man has been through he's still alive. I mean I saw his medical history. According to his file he's been shot several times, stabbed several times, had breast cancer, Tinnitus, amnesia, several broken bones, electrocuted, poisoned, burned, bitten by a venomous snake…"

"Yes, we don't need to go into all **that** ," Mallory interrupted. "When will Sterling come out of his coma?"

"Well think of this coma as your son's body trying to detox itself from the shock," Dr. Denton said. "And the extremely high blood alcohol content. Tell me does your family have a history of alcoholism?"

Mallory had taken out a flask from her purse and took a sip. "Does **that** answer your question?" Lana pointed.

"I'm going to take that as a yes," Dr. Denton said. "Maybe this coma isn't the worst thing in the world for your son right now? Give his liver a break. A chance to heal his foot. And bruises. Maybe bring down your son's sugar and cholesterol levels? As well as recover from that very odd and very frightening looking venereal disease."

"So he's not going to wake up anytime soon?" Lana sighed.

"No, I'm afraid not," Dr. Denton said. "Honestly I am astounded that this man is still alive period. Let alone in a coma. So, you should look at this coma as a blessing."

"A blessing my son is spending **more** of his life unconscious?" Mallory snapped.

"Technically that's basically how Archer spends a lot of his weekends so…" Lana sighed.

An African American doctor popped his head in. "Dr. Denton?"

"Dr. Johnson! Good timing!" Dr. Denton said. "This is Dr. Johnson head of our STD unit."

"The doctor's name in charge of venereal diseases is _Johnson?_ " Lana did a double take.

"Yes," Dr. Johnson said. "And I've heard all the jokes."

"This entire hospital is starting to feel like a damn joke," Mallory grumbled.

"Is this the patient?" Dr. Johnson indicated Archer.

"Yes, Mr. Archer," Dr. Denton said. "This is his mother and girlfriend. Ms. Archer and Lana Kane. They informed me that this particular strain was called the Archers. Have you heard of that?"

"Have I?" Dr. Johnson gasped. "It's all the rage on the STD medical groups! It also explains why that sample you gave me suddenly mutated."

"Oh dear God!" Mallory moaned.

"We haven't seen anything like this since the last time the Adult Film Awards was in town," Dr. Johnson added.

"I'll bet," Lana groaned.

"I'm going to call it the Archer's Johnson strain," Dr. Johnson grinned. "With any luck your son's disease can make my name famous!"

"I'm not even going to touch that with a ten-foot pole," Mallory groaned.

"Speaking of which we really should bring Dr. Pyznowiz on this," Dr. Denton added. "We could use his expertise."

"Excuse me Doctors," A female African American doctor walked in with a group of interns.

"Doctor Hines!" Dr. Denton smiled. "Here is the patient. Sterling Archer. Coma, brain damage, liver damage, slight fracture in the foot as well as a case of a new venereal disease. You lot are in for a real treat today!"

Dr. Hines and the interns surrounded Archer. "FYI we've discovered that this particular venereal disease is called the Archers," Dr. Johnson said.

"Interesting. Fasinating," The interns said as they surrounded Archer and examined him.

"Doctor this bruising around the chest and gut area is troubling," A female intern said. "What do you think caused it?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say this guy was punched after he was operated on," Dr. Hines spoke up. "Repeatedly. By someone who didn't want to hit him in the face."

"What in the freaking hell is **this**?" Mallory did a double take.

"Does this hurt?" A male intern asked. "Does **this** hurt?"

"He can't hear you, idiot!" A female intern snapped. "He's in a coma!"

"You don't know that for sure," Another male intern spoke up. "Studies on comas are inconclusive. There is some evidence that patients respond to auditory stimuli."

"There **is**?" Another female intern asked.

"This is a teaching hospital, isn't it?" Lana groaned.

"Do we at least get something off the damn bill?" Mallory snapped.

"I'm sure there will be some kind of discount," Dr. Denton nodded. "You'll have to take that up with Billing and Accounts."

"Fine!" Mallory threw up her hands. "Might as well. Since Sterling has been showing his penis for free all these years…"

"Doctor?" One intern asked. "Is a penis supposed to turn _that color?"_

"Ooh! That's stage three of the Archers!" Dr. Johnson brightened up. "This is a real treat!" He went to look.

"Lana take me home," Mallory moaned. "I can't take this anymore."

"Me neither," Lana said as they left the room.

"I am starting to think that giving Sterling to Krieger might be a better option," Mallory moaned as they walked the hallway. "Not much better but slightly better."

"It's that venereal disease that worries me," Lana frowned. "How did **that** flare up again?"

Meanwhile…

"I can't believe Archer was dumb enough to star in a couple of really bad pornos," Cheryl said as she watched a computer with Pam. "Why would he do that?"

"Knowing that dumb ass I bet he did it by accident," Pam snorted.

"You mean he got super plowed and signed some kind of release form without realizing it?" Cheryl asked. "And then had sex with some strange women because let's face it that's what Archer does but didn't realize the cameras were there? Yeah I can see that happening."

"Wish I could see more but whoever shot this didn't wipe off enough whipped cream from the lens," Pam shook her head. "Not one of the better pornos I've seen."

"There's one thing I don't get," Cheryl frowned. "Why does he have a penguin in the bathtub with him and the women?"

"I don't get it either," Pam said. "But that can't be the most sanitary thing to have in there."

Back to the hospital…

"Lana I wouldn't worry about it if I were you," Mallory sighed. "If you had it, you would have been screaming bloody murder when you used the bathroom earlier. Partially because of some of the blood leaking…"

"Stop," Lana winced. "I do **not** want to know any more."

"Trust me," Mallory groaned. "You don't. Especially when it moves to the more painful stages."

"If we do ever get back together I am so making him take a test before he comes anywhere **near** me," Lana groaned.

"Ditto," Mallory agreed. "Oh, what am I saying? My poor Sterling! Trapped in this death house! Nothing good came from this visit! Nothing to ease my mind!"

"Well maybe **one thing** if there's any justice in the universe," Lana grumbled.

"What do you mean?" Mallory caught on. "Oh…right. That would be karma!"

Somewhere in a bathroom…

"DEAR GOD WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN I PEE?" Veronica Deane screamed behind the stall. "This is even worse than that weekend Ellis and I spent in Mexico after that damn Bride and Burro show! AAAAAAAHHH!"


End file.
